During a quiet time at work, of which there are many, I found myself going over the things I have and haven’t done over the years (When you’re over 40 it’s the kind of thing you do often.) I’ve realised that I have been married now, for more years than I can actually remember, and no less, to the same woman. Julie my first (and only) wife is a constant source of amusement, frustration & motivation. (She added the “and only” above, which I’ve just put back at my own peril.) As a backup, I’ve a rather large box of Thornton’s chocolates ready. So I thought I would introduce you to some of the elegant wisdom I’ve gained during my many, many years of blissful marriage. (Chocolates ready again)My first snippet of wisdom is, your wife is always right. It’s true, though, wives are always right, even when they’re wrong. Men who want a long marriage, to a happy wife have to just get over the idea that they might every so often, be right. It may happen once every few years, but you can’t make a big deal about it without creating a situation that will eventually require a high carrot ring, flowers and chocolates.

If you believe you can be married without this experience, then you don’t know the female brain. In my experience, women have a frighteningly acute sense of memory, or, failing that, imagination. Every thing you say can and will be held against you forever.

Picture this, after getting a flat tyre, you might be thinking, “I couldn’t check the spare tire in the boot because you’d filled it with shopping and junk blocking access to the spare,” but your wife will retort, “Ahh yes, but three years ago, right after I got pregnant, you came home with the wrong kind of milk which meant…” and somehow, magically, through a process too complicated for the male brain to understand she will have created a rational sounding path from then to now that points the finger of blame at you. Women can clearly remember all the way back to when you first met, what they were wearing and how much they weighed. We men can’t remember what we had for lunch. So give in, and don’t take it personally. This is the best possible advice, which someday, when I remember, I’ll try and follow myself.

My second, but nevertheless equally important piece of knowledge I’ve learned over the years is, women want…no, need jewellery. No, I’m not making a sexist remark. Every race of people since the dawn of time found the time to make jewellery. In the past, we males needed it, too. Young men today seem to be realizing this, though I don’t think it’s quite necessary for jewellery to go through a person’s well….sensitive parts, but hay, that’s another story. Just remember that jewellery is a primeval need that must be respected and satisfied.

Whilst I’m probably risking everything, and will be buying jewellery this weekend, I do have some advice for women. Strictly from the husband’s perspective you know. A point which my wife once said was irrelevant (though she now denies it and my memory is either bad, or she’s made me believe it’s bad because it was in her best interest, either way, the results are the same, my memories are negotiable). Be nice to us, that’s all we really need. This is the key to getting on and to, well as keep a man. Remember, we men are very simple creatures. Yes, food and sex are good, but we really need nice.

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